Hello, internet. Let’s talk about Video Games. Allow me to be perfectly clear. I am a writer. I am not a programmer, I am not a hardcore gamer. The fullest extent of my capability is being marginally above average at Super Smash Bros. So when I review a game, don’t expect me to talk about gameplay because I’ll only do that in instances where the gameplay accents the story. Like, for example, a Bioware or a Tell Tale game. So it should go without saying, but beware: Here There Be Spoilers. Fret not, I shall leave some details unscathed. And with that being said, welcome to Scripted Gaming and today’s subject is…
This week, for the 99th episode, we see if the author behind Before Dishonor, the worst book ever featured on this show, can be redeemed.
After a battle with carpal tunnel syndrome it’s the new episode of Pilot Season. This week we’ve packed up and moved to LA for Joey.
Rarely does a sequel, especially of a cheesy movie, have more substance than the first. Passion of the Crust starts out recapping the first movie and even adding a little more information. The serial killer’s mother was actually a witch. She delivered his ashes to the bakery in the first film.
The first scene of the movie is in a dungeon with terrible acting and the most absurd puppetry I have ever seen. It was like Labyrinth and Meet the Feebles combined to make a movie for the RiffTrax/MST3K crew. I got the sense that it was either a play or a movie scene shot inside the movie, but the scene went on for so long I started to believe this was what I was in store for the entire movie. Turns out, they are shooting a cheesy horror film. They could have pretended to act instead of making middle school theater look like Stratford Festival gold.
Kelvin Cheatum, who has the worst trust-fund-douchebag smile. is trying to keep his bad-horror-movie-mogul father’s movie studio going, but he sucks at it. The studio is close to being shut down and a certain movie critic/blogger is making sure people are boycotting companies that have it. Meanwhile, Make A Wish knockoff representative Heather has brought little Tommy (clearly an adult) to the studio as his last wish. One of the cast members brings in baked goods for the crew, which contains the giant GingerDead man (do prop makers/directors not know gingerbread men are about six inches tall, not two feet?). She calls them “sweets” but I saw an English muffin in there. Whomever was in charge of these details must have thought ‘no one is going to see this movie. What the hell? Put whatever we can find in there!’
The entire movie feels like a porn director tried to make a horror movie based on something Tommy Wiseau would write. It could have broken into a porn at any time and it would not have been out of place. There were sex scenes with the GingerDead man! The gay makeup director is sodomized with a hot iron, and likes it. I do not know whether to be offended or roll my eyes. In fact, this would have made a decently bad porn. The baking puns were good; there were not too many of them so they did not get old. The only major gripe I have is that the movie went on too long. They could have ended it 15 minutes before and cut out a lot of trailing plot.
This sequel is much better than the first. If you like movies that are truly terrible for the novelty, this is worth your while. Since it recaps the first, you do not have to sit through it and be bored out of your mind. It is on Hulu for free (they call it Bakery of Blood for some reason) and a one-time watch. 6/10.
Check out Ingrid Webb’s erotica on Kindle!
December 2, 2015
The Cartoon Physicist’s Noughtie List – Top 10 Books & Book Series That Should Be Adapted Into Movies
Mike Gleason and I count down the best books suitable for movie adaptations.
Fallout 4 is out and here is the..uhh…Fallout! Continue reading
The retrospective continues as former Chief Inspector Dreyfus enacts his ultimate plan to kill Inspector Clouseau.
A serial killer breaks into a bakery and kills a father and son. Why he was in the bakery in the first place we will never know. He leaves the daughter (Sara) and mother alive. They continue to run the bakery, but mom becomes a crazy alcoholic. A rich guy who is the father of Sara’s rival (Lorna) is opening up a restaurant across the street and offers her $50k to sell her business. The serial killer is caught and goes to the chair. Somehow he is able to have his cremated ashes sent to the bakery in a gingerbread spice delivery. Another employee cuts himself and the blood gets into the gingerbread dough followed by an freak electrical situation, thereby allowing the serial killer to reincarnate into the gingerbread man that the Sara makes.
It was not like I was expecting anything from this movie, especially Gary Busey. Too bad he was wasted on such a bad movie. He does not have to act to come off as an excellent serial killer.
There are so many details about this movie that would have been easy to get right:
- A gingerbread man is a cookie so it would be stupid to put the dough in a bread machine.
- Gingerbread cookie and bread dough are a deep brown color because of the molasses in them. It would not be the color of bread dough
- Sara made one cookie and put it in the oven. As a professional baker, she would make them in bulk.
- Sara says she will stay to finish up baking before locking up. Professional cooking equipment needs to be properly shut down and cleaned before everyone leaves. She would not be there alone if the ovens are still on. It would be plausible that she is finishing dishes that need to be done by hand though.
- One of the other female employees ends up trapped in the freezer. They put a blanket over her, hoping she will warm up in time. Too bad they were not in a large kitchen with the ovens still turned on, right?
- $50k is probably less than the equipment the business uses is worth, especially in 2005. Try $500k.
- Mom ends up getting her finger cut off. Once everything is over, they help her home. Not to the hospital, why would she need to go there?
- The gingerbread man locks Sara in the oven, saying “now you’ll know what it feels like to fry”. But… she’s baking…
There is not much to say about this movie as a whole. It is like Child’s Play but nowhere near as good. It was also short at 1:10 but it seemed a lot longer in a good way. One good thing I can say about it is Lorna’s boyfriend Amos (I honestly cannot remember her name) is not just a meathead. He is smart, logical, and kind. I liked him. He and the rat Lorna brought into the bakery were the only characters I hoped would live. Thinking about it, I think only two characters died in the movie anyway, except the father and son in the beginning.
I like twist endings and I knew this movie had a sequel, but I am not a fan of resolved twists. Twist it and end it.
Watch Child’s Play instead. 2/10. This movie is available for free on Hulu.
Next week, the sequel.
Check out Ingrid Webb’s erotica on Kindle!
Some outtakes and behinds the scenes of Miss Nightmare & Calluna’s crossover from Magfest!
RT Gomer Productions 
Sticky Middle Finger: Cheddarpon Commentary
We give the back story and track by track commentary for “Cheddarpon”, Sticky Middle Finger’s debut album 6 years in the making!
Don’t forget to listen to the Cheddarpon album on our Sound Cloud!
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Posted by Bloody Chuckles Studios on December 4, 2015 in Album Reviews, Bloody Chuckles Studios, Cheddarpon, Commentaries, Commentary, Monster and the Family, Music Reviews, Travis Jones and tagged bloody chuckles studios, cheddarpon, monster, music, sticky middle finger, tom waits, ween.
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